Give Me My Struggle...

I know how the butterfly feels... In case you were curious i actually have the answer, but let me start with a story...

Once upon a true time a man found a stick with a coccoon attached to it. Out of curiosity he took it home & waited for it to open. One day it did & he watched in amazement as the coccoon opened & a beautiful monarch began to emerge. In his mind he had imagined the the butterfly would make a sudden grand entry into the world, but as he watched he saw the butterfly fight to free itself from the confines of it's coccoon. After some time he took pity on the butterfly & gently broke the coccoon open to free it. Soon after the butterfly died. It was simply not strong enough to survive because it had not finished the fight with the coccoon designed to bring it the strength it needed to fly.

I have always been fascinated by butterflies... I know that's probably a girl thing, but I am far more interested in their lives... their example of what life is- a metamorphis- than their general prettiness. How do those tiny hairy, crawling pests turn into a flying flowers? Why would God see fit to make that transformation a part of the beauty that daily surrounds us?
I believe it is because we are spiritual butterflies. Some of you may be thinking "I know where this is going... When you were a sinner you were a catepillar- you became a Christian & badda boom badda bang- instant butterfly." For those of you that think that way I urge you to go back to the top of this blog & reread my story- no such thing as insta-butterflies folks. I counter with as sinners we were larva & when we took the first step into faith we became caterpillars. Some people believe that the instant you become a Christian you make the transformation that is spoken of in 2 Cor 5:17. "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" I, however, believe that becoming a new creation is a journey that all Christians take.
There is your caterpillar stage where everything is new & fresh... You freely eat up the knowledge of the Bible & explore the world around you from the ground content in your own fuzzy little newness... & i am sorry to say that some Christians stay caterpillars forever, never embracing the dream that they could be more... Many will sadly die or burn out before they reach their potential.
For some Christians there will come a day when they do feel called for more & they will find a place to coccoon themselves in God. To seek His will & purpose in their lives & to quietly allow the change to take place... God begins to shape them into what they need to be to make the world beautiful. You have no choice what kind of butterfly you will be... A monarch... A painted lady... Or maybe you'll simply emerge as a plain brown moth, but whatever you are will be exactly who you were meant to be.
The hard part is the struggle that you must go through to emerge from the coccoon. Most Christians may choose to stay in their coccoons for the duration of their lives wrapped in the goodness of God, but for a select few the struggle is worth it. For each person the struggle is different, but there is a moment in their lives when that thing will happen that cracks the cocoon. We break out of our protective cover & the world comes pouring in... We hear it saying "you can't do it- don't even try" but we push just a little & the more we emerge the scarier it seems... The dreams of flying that we had in our safe little cocoons seem so much smaller & unacheivable & we cry out to God to break open our coccoons & free us, but he knows that the struggle makes us stronger so he whispers "I'm here- keep pushing- you can do this..." so we push a little further... & little by little, piece by piece we emerge stronger, better, beautiful.. We take a minute to spread our wings & then leap into the unknown trusting that those wings will carry us & we look at the world from our new perspective so different up here than on the ground & we think "with God all things are possible." with that knowledge we can change the world...make it a more beautiful place... Just you wait & see.

Dear Playa

Yes I'm a hater I'm happy to say
I'm too old for your games and I don't want to play.
I'm beautiful and brilliant and I love my life
And I'd rather be single forever than your kind of wife.
So while you're out there purousing and buying her drinks,
I want you to know what the ones worthwhile think-
The ones who think with their brains not their blouses
Will end up with the right kind of spouses.
Those nice guys, who when they were younger were always ignored,
Will end up being the ones adored.
So when you glance in the mirror and your looks are decaying
Think of all you coulda had if you hadn't been playing.
If you'd opened the door and pulled out my chair,
Stopped buying me flowers and just complimented my hair.
If you'd looked past my skin and into my heart,
If you'd just been honest instead of playing a part.
See when I'm sixty and still feel sixteen
I'm won't remember that you were so mean.
And it won't be your face I'll be missin'
I'll be too busy with that man of God I'll be kissin'.
They say that Prince Charming comes with a sword
But I just want my guy praisin' the Lord.
So when you're out there talking smack about the guys with pocket protectors playing Nintendo all day
Remember they'll be the ones that get to hear the girl say
"I do."

Not you.

Death becomes us...

I went to an estate sale today- for those of you who need an explanation an estate sale happens typically when someone dies. A group of people come in and put a price on every item in the house... even the half used toothpaste goes for $.25. The group then opens up the house for people to walk through and take what they will... each day marking the prices down a little bit more. I love estate sales. 1) because I can get a great deal on things and 2) I have a chance to see how someone lived. I always imagine who lived there... what their lives were like... For example... at this house I could tell that he went first... and that she loved him enough to not really let go. There was one man's work coat in the hall closet surrounded by all of hers. His tools were still easily accessible in the garage, but dusty. None of his clothes were hanging in her closet and the whole place had a very woman vibe. She also collected pitchers. There were dozens... clear... painted... big... little... all over the kitchen and dining room. She was a hippy when she was younger. Her colorful old bell bottoms and peasant shirts were tucked away in a back closet... and she loved old movies.

But let's get back to the reason I really went there- to score some good deals of course... :-) and I found something I really wanted... a half coffee maker half espresso machine with a wand you can control- HALF OFF!! I was so excited I grabbed it before anyone else could. One problem... it was still plugged in. I had to trace the cord back to the outlet and unplug it. As I was carefully carting back to my car I noticed how the lid of the coffee pot was stained... and I could imagine her going in to the kitchen everyday and starting the pot. Habits... just like brushing your teeth and putting on your makeup.

It hit me- this coffee maker was still ready for her to come in and push the button... pour in some water and put the coffee in the filter... it was still plugged in- just like she had never left. Now let me be clear- I did watch The Brave Little Toaster, but I am under no illusions that inanimate objects can feel anything. However, as I thought about it though it struck me how reminiscent this is of our lives before Christ. The Bible says that when we become Christ-followers we are new creations, the old creature is dead. That doesn't mean that old life isn't there... just like the coffee pot is plugged in and ready to be used again... waiting for it's owners to fall back into old habits. We need to die to that old life like the woman died to her coffee pot. To the point that we are incapable of slipping back into it again.... easier said than done I'm aware... dying to our old lives is a choice whereas physical death overtakes us in it's time.... that's what makes it so important- it's a choice. God's waiting to meet you at the coffee shop and he's paying... so who needs that old coffee pot anyway? Die to your old life and be prepared for a new and amazing one.... God's waiting.

Write my Love Story....

One of my all time favorite love stories is that of isaac and rebeckah. For those of you unfamiliar with said story isaac was ready to marry and he went to his father abraham, they prayed about it and abraham sent one of his servants out to find isaac's bride.

I find myself inexplicabley drawn to this servant. Here he was setting off with this impossible task... He was supposed to find the perfect woman for isaac. Let's keep in mind my technologically advanced friends that in those days there was no such thing as eharmony or match.com. No personality tests to unlock your inner psyche or keywords to help you search. He was totally flying blind on this one. How intimidating would that be? But this servant was smart... He turned to God and asked Him to make it obvious who the right woman was. He asked God for several signs and was led to a girl named Rebeckah.

The servant was certain that she was the one but the final decision was her's. Did she leave with this stranger to join in marriage to a man she'd never met or did she play it safe and stay with her family? --marry a nice boy from the neighborhood and start a family... She chose to take a leap of faith and the way i read the story when isaac and rebeckah met for the first time there was no mistaking that this was meant to be! God wrote their perfect love story.

I don't know about you but sometimes i forget that God has a plan when it comes to my love life. I find myself wanting to rush the process and that never works out well. It's easy in a society that puts so much value on relationships to forget that just because you're single doesn't mean you shouldn't be falling in love. God is teaching us something and giving us an oppurtunity to fall deeper and deeper in love with Him -to connect to Him in a way that will strengthen our future partnership with our spouse. He's telling you 'just trust me to write your love story.' Wow.

My favorite part about that beautiful love story is that they only had to do three things: pray, wait, and act. It seems so simple so why do we make it so complicated? Trust God to write your love story- i can't think of a better author.

When you hear it...

I'm a big fan of music... I don't think I've ever met someone who wasn't. Regardless of beliefs, education, circumstances, we as the human race are motivated by poetry set to music. We don't always have the same tastes- death metal, jazz, country, classical. There are many different sounds out there. Today I was listening to a song by Anna Nalick... It's called Shine. There is a line that says "There's a time when the poets and porn stars align and you don't know who to believe in. That's a good time to be leavin'." I've listened to it several times before, but today was the first time that it really hit me. It strikes me how often I'm in that situation.... the angel on one side and devil on the other.... listen to your head or your heart... etc...etc... but I'm struck by that story in Elijah... Elijah had just proven God was true on Mt. Carmel in a SPECTACULAR way... and rather than celebrating he asked God to end his life... said he had had enough. Then this-->

The LORD said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the LORD is about to pass by." Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave.

Despite the fact that Elijah was ready to throw in the towel he still knew the voice of God when he heard it. I think it was all a test... God was seeing if Elijah, in the worst moment of his life, would listen to the chaos around him or if He would be ready to hear the silence. Elijah's complaint was that he was alone. He had fought the good fight, but he was alone in his love for the true God... and that's when God gave him Elisha.... gave him not only a fellow believer, but a prodigy... a son... a best friend... and when it was finally time for Elijah to go home he followed that still small voice onto a chariot of fire.... God picked him up.... wow.... all because he was listening to the right voice.

Who are you listening to?

Writer's Block.....

I struggle with the age old problem of writer's block..... every once and again I will sit down with the intention to write something thought provoking and profound and BAM.... nothing.... which led me to a question- Do you think God ever got writer's block? I think he did.... let me preface this by saying that I believe the Bible to be God written... yes other men put pen to paper, but I believe that the words of God flowed from those pens.

I have often wondered why God put the "begets" in the Bible... I mean really what kind of significance doe it have? Last night it struck me...... I think it's because God had writer's block.... I think that he sat down and started with a person and beget down until someone did something monumental... whether that's true or not is not really an issue, but it does make me feel a little better when I get writer's block.... :-)

You know what i find really interesting about the begets though? The fact that God didn't just say and so and so did something monumentally amazing.... he listed everyone who was responsible for bringing that person who did that thing into the world..... it strikes me as I sit here and mull it over that that says something about our responsibility to future generations... do you think that a man woke up one day and said my name will be recorded in history someday for what my great grandson 10 generations from now will do...?? I doubt it.... but maybe we should start....

Who will you beget??

Who am I?

So here we sit... I'm happily typing away, the click clack of keys under my fingers, while you, whoever you are, sit in front of your computer stopping here to read my blog. Well welcome. This is the first installment of my blog "Heaven in her Headlights and Hell on her Heels." Chances are some of you reading this know my life's story... each twist and turn on the road that has brought me to this place.... to this night.... to this blog. Maybe some of you have no idea who I am... stick around and I'm sure you'll get to know me. I see the world in a light that many people don't and have decided that maybe I should share my eyes with you.... so here it goes...

I recently joined a new church and cannot even begin to express to you how blessed I feel to call it my home. Until this past Sunday my involvement with this church has been strictly based to one group, however, this week I was given the opportunity to use the gifts God has given me as part of our worship service. It was such a blessing to be there performing to my audience of ONE. But that's not what this blog is about.....

When I was rehearsing the music minister of my church asked me a simple question... she said "So Sarai... tell me about yourself." Such a simple question, but I found it very difficult to answer... How do I boil myself down to just a few sentences? How do I make my persona come alive with a few words? All I could say was "There's alot to tell."

I'm not shy, I have nothing to hide... but a thousand different words sprang to mind.... I'm a dreamer, a medic, a clown, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a divorcee, an abuse survivor, a pk, a tatt'd up princess, a professional, an actress, a songwriter, a poet, a strong independent woman, and a scared little girl.

I am so much in one small package... and it's been weighing on my mind for the past two days. Who do I say I am?

Jesus asked that to disciples once and they answered him "Some say John the Baptist; others say Elijah; and still others, Jeremiah or one of the prophets." "But what about you?" he asked. "Who do you say I am?" Simon Peter answered, "You are the Christ, the Son of the living God." Jesus replied, "Blessed are you, Simon son of Jonah, for this was not revealed to you by man, but by my Father in heaven. And I tell you that you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not overcome it.I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven; whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven."

Here's what blows my mind.... Peter.... he knew... Jesus was THE CHRIST... that's a big deal... and yet this was the same Peter who later called out and asked Jesus to let him walk across a stormy sea to stand by His side and then doubted and fell in. The same Peter who hid in a crowd as they crucified his Christ and denied Jesus not once, not twice, but three times. This lowly fisherman was the man on whom Jesus built his church. Wow.... how good does that make you feel?

So here's my answer... I'm a daughter of THE CHRIST. I'm far from perfect... I have a lot of growing up to do. I am an unworthy recipient of a grace I will never understand and I will strive everyday to be a stone in the church.... to be used by God...

So.....who do you say you are?